@LindaInDisguise: Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I'll try harder.
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@flashember: Meow meow meow [Wife comes home early] MEOW! *cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack* THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
@daemonic3: [bank] Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN! Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I'm a joke Robber: No I mean- Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
@GrantTanaka: I just found out that his full name is actually Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
@theekillerqueen: I'm gonna start using my cat's ages like y'all do your kids. 5 just projectile vomited and 1 is trying to eat it off the floor.