Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
You Might Also Like
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
my astrological sign is a french fry
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]