Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
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My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Wait for it
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Still cracks me up
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!