*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
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Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT