“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
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I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
the short answer to this question
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.