“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
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If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine