we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
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Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.