@NotThatKristi: We're adults. It's bad enough we selfie. Don't make it worse with the surprise face selfie
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@audipenny: Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
@tastefactory: "YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER" - salt
@QwertyJones3: [dog park] Go get it, boy! *dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace* Ugh, you're the worst golden retriever ever
@GreenishDuck: Text your dad "egg salad sandwich" four times in one day. He'll probably think his phone is broken.