Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
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trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king