We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
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you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.