former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
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One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel