“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
this is so top tier i cant
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf