@ComedicBust: Me: Can I please sleep? Brain: No. Now sing Mambo #5 again. Me: But I hate that song! Brain: I don't give a shit! Me: 1, 2, 3-4-5...

@G_Faylor: [pulls meatloaf out of oven] he's still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever

@hippieswordfish: [in traction] Before you ask, yes you can make cheese from moose milk and no I didn't think she'd spook so easy.

@surasshu: O M G. i had to screenshot this before CNN deletes their tweet 😂😂😂

@CountGripsnatch: *maintains eye contact with coworker while licking a yogurt lid for seventeen minutes*