Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
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“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
We found love in a hopeless place.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”