@RowdyBowden: We're gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were "Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!"
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@writerPT: Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I'd be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
@chagger73: It took me 4 attempts to type "my dignity". Autocorrect kept changing it to "HAHAHAHAHAHA"
@Token_Geezer: Fun Prank: Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
@Mickey_McCauley: Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say "close one"