We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
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Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
me as a parent
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Bobby pin
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!