@RowdyBowden: We're gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were "Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!"
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@ArfMeasures: ME: One time I was attacked by a shark REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
@Fred_Delicious: [becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
@jannable9: I'm not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?