We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
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I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
i really liked this one
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
what it’s like dating me:
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”