Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
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doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.