“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
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paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
There’s never enough good news
Happy Friday
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE