“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
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Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
i dont have time for this
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.