@fro_vo: Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he's getting too close
@BackrowSeats: People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.
@Dawn_M_: Homeless people are so lucky. They don't have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
@TheMichaelRock: Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?
Me: Yeah, hold on.
*hands phone to 5yo*
Me: It's grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.
@TheToddWilliams: ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You're a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
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