@Brianhopecomedy: Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I'm 6th in line for a selfie.

@eXentRic_: Holy Communion: PRIEST:"This is the body of Christ. Take it " ME:"Uum,can I instagram it first?" *We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

@bourgeoisalien: People don't realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I'm late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

@Ygrene: [Being murdered while eating a salad] Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don't let them find me like this

@shkeeber: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: You love me? Cop: Me: Cop: Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower? Cop: Yes. Me: *floors it*