@fro_vo: Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol Pentagon: he's getting too close

@BackrowSeats: People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.

@Dawn_M_: Homeless people are so lucky. They don't have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

@TheMichaelRock: Caller: Is Mr. Rock available? Me: Yeah, hold on. *hands phone to 5yo* Me: It's grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.

@TheToddWilliams: ME: *playing the piano* WIFE: You're a regular Van Gogh ME: Why thank you, honey {three days later} ME: Wait a second