We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
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*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”