We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
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Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?