#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?