I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Every time.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …