We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
ouch
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
If you know, you know
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.