We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce