We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
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a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Not recommended for beginners.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…