We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
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doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.