We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
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NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right