“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
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When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?