“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
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WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
cry laughing at this shit
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch