We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
How actors in movies eat their food
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit