@TrainedHedonist: We're out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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@Fred_Delicious: [goes to museum of fine art] "Just how fine can this art be, anyway" [sees a vase in a thong] "oh damn"
@TheAlexNevil: According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
@DearAuntAbby: If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you're high enough.