@TrainedHedonist: We're out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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@onion_an: [1st day as criminal sketch artist] Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t.... Me: I'm gonna need a longer sheet of paper
@pakalupapito: why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
@shkeeber: "No, you hang up" No, you hang up. "No, you hang up" No, you hang up. "No you hang up" *slams phone* Why do I keep calling that parrot?!