@TrainedHedonist: We're out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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@cuntyfruitbats: Here Here Here Here Here Here Here -1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
@jjhartinger: Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish? Me: Staying up past 10:00.
@AnkCoupleTO: [police lineup] Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants? Me: Nope Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward? WB: *drooling* Goddamnit