We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
i spent way too long on this
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.