@pixelatedboat: "We're out of options, I'll have to use the jetpack," I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
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@ArfMeasures: WIFE: It's great having kids, isn't it? ME: Oh yeah, it's the best W: How long until they go to bed? ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
@Quadricycle: [At restaurant] I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! But I'm on a diet so... [To waiter] Do you have diet horse?
@VerbsRProudest: I don't know when the apocalypse will happen. All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
@sarcasm_inc: Bouncer: Woah. Dress code Me: This is a suit B: Yeah, a chicken suit. *puts nugget in bouncer's pocket *pats it M: We good? B: Have fun, sir