“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
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Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.