Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
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I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.