@weinerdog4life: We're out of toilet paper, also don't pet the cat.
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@Beerhaze: My oldest is 14 today. Daddy's baby is growing up. Soon she'll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards.
@davedittell: can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.
@SaraMansford: Steven King, Dean Koontz and Anne Rice have all announced their retirement stating: Nothing we write will ever be scarier than this election
@Jake_Vig: My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.