@weinerdog4life: We're out of toilet paper, also don't pet the cat.
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@djr_102: Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.
@jwoodham: "Friends" ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, "me having friends" ended long before that.
@grammar_c**t: "I love you" can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to "I got this round."
@weinerdog4life: Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.