@weinerdog4life: We're out of toilet paper, also don't pet the cat.
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@simoncholland: Listen, if you are going to someone's house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
@GrantTanaka: Left work, txted wife "Coming homo." Then I txted her "Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo."
@truegritrumble: ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one's for you. And this one's for you ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure ME: Lol no