My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
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My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.