@Parker_Simpson: We're probably like 10 years away from ppl running for president strictly for more Twitter followers
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@HallpassCanada: The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn't seem to be having the desired affect.
@rickolantern: Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes. I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
@ImABaconDonut: One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
@Mr_Kapowski: Hispanic magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres