no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist