“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
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In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar