@andylassner: Were there this many idiots before the Internet?
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@KentWGraham: How can my wife's hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
@superdadatron: I'm gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family. Bacon Bad
@LeonEarlgrey: Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill. Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
@cbdoubleu: Jeopardy] Alex: This floats your boat. Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy? Alex: I'm sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.