We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
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Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Meow
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.