@WilliamAder: We're throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the "party" isn't the surprise.
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@Blunt_Sarcastic: When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone's saying about you.
@yerpalmildsauce: *noise* GF: there's somebody in the kitchen! ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that's where the food is
@ThaJawn: "Cute cat, what's it's name?" Too-ra-loo-ra, but you have to sing, or she won't come "Um ok,🎶 Too-ra-l" SHE WON'T COME! IT'S A CAT! HAHA
@truegritrumble: ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years. MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.