“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
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If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Well, that didn’t work.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
🙂🙃🥹
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.