On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
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My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
definitely did not do anything wrong
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.