@ThatBrenna: West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I've been shot in the arm.
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@lurve_meh: They say kill 'em with kindness but it's much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Cops are raiding Justin Bieber's house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can't make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped u? Scientist: No Cop: How much science u do tonite? Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat] Cop: Get out
@iLiveSilent: In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.