West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I triple waxed for this?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”