West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
how it started vs how it ended
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Never forget.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*