@slimmy_shady: Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
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@MartaEffing: Her: omg, I'm SO happy for you! Me: *shaking head* No, no, no... I said I got 'enraged', today. Not 'engaged'.
@david8hughes: [at the aquarium] Son [pointing at a large tank]: daddy what's that Me: tank Son: no what lives in the tank Me: water
@SteveSuckington: [on a date] I've got butterflies in my stomach "that's so cute. You dont have to be nervous" [flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
@bromanconsul: LA girls say they want to go on "adventures" but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking