Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
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Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.