Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
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Wake me when AI does housework
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
My Guy
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
mechanics be like
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears