ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
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*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Brb my Sims are getting married
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.