I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
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Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Never let them know your next move 😂
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
The hardest thing Vision has to do
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”