I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
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Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
…..pretty much.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
buys donuts instead
favorite tropes as memes
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Should I call tech support or pray or what
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*