@TheAlexNevil: We've all got that one family member who's an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family's settled on me.
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@AnnDabromowitz: When I'm CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
@TheMichaelRock: *puts on shirt* *shirt rips because of my muscles* *gets yelled at for ruining 5yo's shirt*
@GrowlyGrego: [doctor hands wife urn] Ma'am, I'm afraid your husband didn't make it. "Nooo!" she cries. Oh, he's fine. But he didn't make this lovely urn.