We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
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So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up