“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
You Might Also Like
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
so weird how every mom was born today
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it