“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Accurate
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]